


The Game

by senseofenterprise (the_boleyn_treatment)



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Cards Against Humanity, Ineffable Godfathers, M/M, Teenage Adam - Freeform, acohol, ineffable husbands, just super vile language that’s par for the course with CAH, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-26
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-09-26 22:44:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20397364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_boleyn_treatment/pseuds/senseofenterprise
Summary: When Crowley and Aziraphale agreed to host their nineteen year old godson for the weekend, they had anticipated the sort of visit they usually had with him: walking on the beach and taking him out for dinner. Cozy catchups. Nice short bursts of spending quality time with the boy.They had not anticipated him arriving with a black box of cards.“It’s called Cards Against Humanity."





	The Game

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes I make dumb jokes and they turn into fics. Please enjoy something I wrote in one sitting at 11:30 the night before my fall semester classes start.

When Crowley and Aziraphale agreed to host their nineteen year old godson for the weekend, they had anticipated the sort of visit they usually had with him: walking on the beach and taking him out for dinner. Cozy catchups. Nice short bursts of spending quality time with the boy.

They had not anticipated him arriving with a black box of cards.

“It’s called Cards Against Humanity,” he explained that evening after dinner. He set the box down on the coffee table in the living room. He sat cross-legged on the floor opposite his godfathers on the sofa. “It’s pretty simple. You take turns drawing a black card which has most of a phrase on it, and the other people put in a white card that has words to complete that phrase, and then the first person picks which one they like best.”

“Oh, that doesn’t sound too difficult,” Aziraphale said, taking a sip from his wine glass. “I think it could be rather funny.”

Crowley’s eyes narrowed as he picked up one of the cards from the box and read it. “Anal beads?” He said aloud. Aziraphale choked on his sip of wine.

Adam grinned. “Oh yeah, and all the phrases are absolutely vile. Mum outright banned the game from home but we play it at uni all the time.”

Crowley snorted. “Alright, we’ll give it a shot. But be warned, it’ll be pretty hard to out-vile an actual demon.”

“Oh I don’t know dear,” said the angel beside him, “there is something to be said about the vileness of teenaged boys.”

Adam grinned. 

***

“Alright,” Adam said, pulling a black card from the box. “First round. The card is: What ended my last relationship? So you two both pick a white card from your hands and put it face down on the table, so I don’t know who played what, and then I’ll pick which one I like best.”

“Easy enough,” said Aziraphale. He took a moment to consider the cards in his hand, then set one down. Crowley took longer, considering each one before finally putting his down next to Aziraphale’s.

Adam picked them up, shuffled them, then looked at them. “Aziraphale,” he said, setting a card down. “The goal is to be vile, remember? ‘A middle-aged man on roller skates’ is just dumb.”

The angel grinned over the glass held to his lips. “I believe you’ll find that the other card reads ‘Catastrophic Urethral Trauma.’” Crowley visibly deflated as Adam lit up.

“Okay. Point goes to Aziraphale,” he laughed and handed the black card to the angel, who set it aside.

“Oh boy,” Crowley murmured.

*** 

“Right,” it was Aziraphale’s turn to draw a black card. “Let’s see. ‘LSD plus blank equals A really bad time. Oh good, one I can answer truthfully.” He set the card down and looked at the two equally shocked faces looking at him.

“I’m sorry, what was that, Angel?” Crowley gaped, eyes blinking.

“Really dear, I worked in Soho in the sixties and you think I haven’t tried LSD?”

“Aziraphale I think you’re officially the cooler one,” Adam informed him, handing over a white card.

“Thank you dear,” he laughed and took it, then took Crowley’s when it was handed over. “And I shuffle them?” Adam nodded, and so he did. “Alright. ‘LSD plus A good, strong gorilla equals a really bad time.’ Yes I’m certain it would,” he chuckled and set the first white card down. “And the other says ‘LSD plus Anal fissures you would Not Believe equals a really bad time.’”

Crowley gaped. Adam collapsed laughing and took a full three minutes to catch his breath. Aziraphale chuckled. “Well, I can’t say that I experienced either of those during one of my trips, but something about the phrasing made me favor this one. Which one of you played ‘Anal Fissures’?”

Adam raised his hand and Aziraphale handed him the black card. “Well done, Adam.”

Crowley threw back the rest of the wine in his glass.

***

“Right,” Crowley said, taking a careful moment to consider his options before drawing a black card. He cleared his throat and read it. “It says, ‘You can’t wait forever, it’s time to talk to your doctor about blank.’”

Two cards were slammed down quicker than lightning, and Crowley picked them up to shuffle them. “You’re proud of these ones then?” 

Aziraphale actually _giggled._ “Oh I think you’ll find mine quite funny, dear.”

“Not as funny as mine,” Adam countered.

Crowley gave them both a concerned look, read the cards in his hand, then let out a disappointed sigh. “Jesus Fuck,” was all he could say. Adam started laughing again. 

“Go on, read them,” Aziraphale prompted.

Crowley sighed. “’You can’t wait forever, it’s time to talk to your doctor about going an entire day without masturbating.’” Adam started laughing again, which led to Aziraphale bursting into delighted giggles. Crowley couldn’t help smiling but pretended to be very put out. “Both of you hush, I still have the other one to read. ‘You can’t wait forever, it’s time to talk to your doctor about–‘ oh fucking hell, this is stupid.”

“Read the card, dear,” Aziraphale instructed him, still giggling.

He let out a ‘This is beneath me’ sigh and continued. “’It’s time to talk to your doctor about the amount of baby carrots I can fit up my ass.’” 

The roaring laughter continued from his husband and his godson as he put his head in his hands and rubbed his eyes. “If I ever needed confirmation that my job on Earth wasn’t necessary it comes in the form of this game. Bloody humans.” When the laughter died down, he looked them both up and down, considering. 

“Which one of you Godless heathens said baby carrots?”

Aziraphale grinned and took the black card from him, adding it to his ever-growing pile.

“Angel I want a divorce.”

“Of course dear,” Aziraphale smiled, pouring Crowley another glass of wine.

*** 

“Last round,” said Adam, pulling a black card from the box. They had been playing for hours at this point and had been through several games and two bottles of wine. Aziraphale was laying on the couch, his head in Crowley’s lap as he looked at his cards. After losing the first three games to his husband, his godson, and his husband again, he had finally caught up to Aziraphale. This last round, they were neck and neck for the coveted tenth card of the game. Crowley was determined to prove himself.

Adam lifted the card to his eyes to read and grinned. “Oh this is _perfect,_” he said, and cleared his throat. “Angel, demon, ‘What is there a ton of in Heaven?’”

Aziraphale sat up straight and scoured over his cards while Crowley threw his head back and laughed. Both of them took their time considering, and after a few moments their selections were handed across the table. Adam picked them up, not shuffling, and read them.

“According to Crowley,” he said, holding in a laugh, “Heaven is full of hoes.”

Aziraphale laughed at that, scooting closer and curling up against Crowley’s side. “He absolutely has a point about that.”  
Crowley grinned, instinctively wrapping his arm around Aziraphale’s waist. “Next time I see Gabriel I promise I will call him a hoe to his face on your behalf, Angel.”

“Yeah, yeah, stop being cute,” Adam said, but smiled anyway. “According to Aziraphale on the other hand, and he would be the expert on this, Heaven is full of quote ‘Worshipping that pussy.’”

The angel looked up at Crowley and winked, resulting in a red flush to cover the demon’s face. “Really? In front of the boy?”

“I recall much worse being said tonight,” his angel laughed and leaned up to kiss his blushing cheek.

Adam pretended to gag. “Just because you put that image in my head, I’m giving the point to ‘hoes.’” He put the black card in Crowley’s pile. “Congrats on finally winning one.”

Crowley grinned, victorious. “I told you, you can’t out-vile a demon.”


End file.
